Delusional

Enough with this nonsense. The problem is really driving me nuts now. I realized i can become somewhat crazy and delusional over the smallest matter.

Look at me, you may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me...

All this time ive tried to hide, tried to pretend its not happening, avoid it, shrug it off. Yet its slowly getting the better of me. Yet its just mistake after mistake so far. What have i gotten right?

But ive learned that we cannot control anything. We do not owe anybody anything. What gives me the right to anything else. Its about time i gave it up. For there is no point forcing it any further. And try to find a purpose in life. We came from nothing, and we will go back to being nothing. In the vastness of space and time, i ended up here.

I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name...

This will be my last post on freestylerx. I may start my blog over again in the future, but it will not be revived here for sure. Its time to forget the past and move forward.

Paths

Its been 4 months since I have put some thought into this matter. But there has been little progress. In fact its now getting more complicated and growing out of control.

Im still living by the day. Playing the waiting game. Maybe its time i took some control.

I dont want to hurt anyone else any worse than it currently is now.

Why

Is everything so screwed up.

Or maybe it is just me.

I'm sorry.

Empty

Most people would think that i am happy where i am, having a relatively slack posting, having the comforts such as psp's, ipods, speakers, internet and msn when i am stay in.

But there is just this void in my life. And i am still wondering why on earth am i wasting my time here. The problem is staring at me straight in the face but i just can't bring myself to do anything about it. Or perhaps i don't even know how to solve it.

Torn

I guess I was right after all. I could never tell you anything. You're the wrong person all this while, but its only my fault for thinking that I could have had this worked out. I do not hate you but i hate myself for bringing matters this far.

But now it just complicates things even more.

If only everything could just disappear, just end in an instant.

Thoughts

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been

Pieces

I think im reaching my limits now. Its like the whole world is upside down or something. Here I am wasting my life away doing nothing, as in seriously, nothing at all. Like just stone. Eat, sleep, stone, repeat.

But yet when i am out, i just waste my time on the most trivial and unimportant matters. Somehow i just cannot be bothered by those which need my urgent attention. Its like nothing much matters anymore.

The problem that has persisted for the past 3 years seems to be growing more complex. I never expected it to turn out this way. Or rather, i had absolutely no idea what it might result in.

I may have told some of you bits and pieces, some people more than others. But i have never told anyone the complete picture.

The pieces alone will never make any sense. When fitted together, the story would unfold.

Sometimes it is not what others think about me that matters. But what i think of myself.

I will be spending alot of time stoning and staring at the sea over the next two weeks. Hopefully i can get everything organized an sorted out by then.

Else i have no idea what i will do next...

Cares

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains...

Fire

Caught in the middle of the crossfire... makes me wonder why im in the middle in the first place.

Somebody please shoot me.

Shots

Some shots....